Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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