So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
