Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
