I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
