Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
did you just send me my own nude
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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