We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Never joke about your clitoris.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
