there's paper in my vomit.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
