My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is Oprah even human
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
