Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
