when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
