70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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