first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
