do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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