Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
