I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
