The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
