oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
