Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
