I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You ruined the universe
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
