Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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