I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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