Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
