I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
