He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
