oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
