You're so nebulous sometimes
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
