I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
