I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
