I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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