Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
