I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize