No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
