i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
