she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
