My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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