you're like a bully in the Christmas story
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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