grandma shit on top of the toilet
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
