Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I skipped work to stalk him.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
