Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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