she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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