I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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