Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
