put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize