so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
