dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
