you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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