we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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