my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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