he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
