Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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