We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
