i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
