guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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