every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
