you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
They took my balls.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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