I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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