Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i already hear my dad disowning me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
