I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
