update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
