i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
