i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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