I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
